Final Fantasy VIII: The Chaos at Balamb Garden Collection 2
by Sonata-Time-Flare-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Story complete! Witness even more silliness of the SeeD students and their exploits around Balamb Garden in this collection of hilarious new stories! Rated T.
1. The Great Balamb Murder Mystery

**Story**: Final Fantasy VIII: The Chaos at Balamb Garden Collection 2  
**Authors**: Master Jin Sonata, Time Master, Flarezero, Nocturne, Aoi  
**Written**: November 30, 2019  
**Genre**: Humor/Parody  
**Rating**: T (Violence, Language)  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Square or its ridiculous students and faculty

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Welcome! The following is the order of individual stories that will be released within this fic, each composed by a different member of our multi-author team of nearly 20 years. Please enjoy!

**Story 1: The Great Balamb Murder Mystery**  
**Author**: Nocturne

**Story 2: Whatever!**  
**Author**: Flarezero

**Story 3: Attitude Adjustment**  
**Author**: Time Master

**Story 4: A Question of Staplers**  
**Author**: Aoi

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**Story 1: The Great Balamb Murder Mystery**  
**Author**: Nocturne

Irvine Kinneas crept along the hallway outside Selphie Tilmit's dorm room, hoping that he could give her a good scare. He knocked on her door and moved to the side, out of range, do that he could jump out at her when she appeared. He waited a few minutes, and nothing happened. So he knocked a second time.

Again, nothing happened.

Now by this time, Irvine was getting a little curious. Selphie always tended to answer her door about 10 seconds after the first knock since she was so hyper and everything. But this time that failed to happen. Irvine knocked again and called out softly.

"Sephie, are ya in there?" No response. Irvine turned the doorknob and it swung open.

_"She never keeps the door unlocked, I wonder why it—"_ his thoughts abruptly turned off at the sight on her floor.

There was Selphie Tilmit. Meek, little, 'I would never hurt a fly' Selphie Tilmit. _His_ Selphie Tilmit lying there, on the floor, in a pool of her own blood. Irvine backed out of the room, slammed the door shut, and closed his eyes.

"_I did not see what I thought I saw, I did not see what I thought I saw, I did not see..."_ he repeated over and over again until he thought it was safe to open the door again. He walked into the room and blinked.

I guess I did see what I thought I saw after all...

"You gotta do something! We CAN NOT just let her death go unavenged like this!" Irvine shouted in Squall's face after he had ran to his office, practically broke the door down, and collapsed onto Squalls floor crying his eyes out. After Squall got through staring at him, he actually had some pretty good advice.

"Look, we don't know who did it, and it isn't like anyone had a reason..." Zell shot him a look. "Okay, _everyone_ had plenty of reason. I mean, she was too damn cheerful and overly annoying, and just too happy, and-" Squall paused. "I'm not helping, am I?"

"No. No you aren't."

"Let's interrogate everyone one-by-one. We could wear 'em down and get them to spill _everything_." Zell suggested.

"We can't do that!" Rinoa protested. "I mean, the master of persuasion isn't even here!"

Quistis handed her the phone. "Rinoa, you know who to call."

"Right!"

20 minutes later, Seifer Almasy and Posse made their grand entrance into Balamb Garden.

So okay, it wasn't all that grand. I mean, a few kids looked his way, but most continued to do what they were doing before he had arrived.

"HEY! I'm the _great_ Seifer Almasy! I deserve some recognition!"

"He's right, ya know!" Raijin cried.

"SEIFER FORGET. JOB NOW."

"You're right! Raijin, Fujin, lead the way to my office."

Fujin rolled her eyes. Maybe she could get a pin to pop his swollen head.

"NEXT!" Raijin shouted to the long line outside of a janitor closet down the hall from Squalls office. They had spent the better part of the day questioning the students and so far they had found out who had killed Headmaster Cid's pet goldfish, Fluffy; what the cafeteria meatloaf was _really_ made out of; and that a girl named Melissa was the Headmasters sex slave (that Seifer regarded as a rumor and would cease to think about it because it was just plain disturbing). Nothing really important. The latest student was being helped out by his best-friend after he had a nervous breakdown and insisted that Seifer kill him now because he was worthless.

"This isn't getting us anywhere Puberty Boy," Seifer said irritatingly to Squall.

"Look, why don't you try it for a few hours more and maybe I'll allow you to quit, okay?"

"_Allow_ me? **_Allow_** me?! You, Puberty Boy, are trying to give me, Seifer Almasy, orders? Are you insane?!"

"No, but sometimes I begin to wonder..."

"Okay, _one_ more, but only that. You got that?"

"Whatever..." Then he turned and went to eat his noon meal in his private quarters with Rinoa tagging along on his heels like a puppy.

More hours went by until finally Seifer had gotten to everyone. Squall had convinced him that if he questioned everyone that he could get Cid to let him on as an "experimental SeeD". Mention SeeD and you can get Seifer to agree to just about anything.

"I have broken everyone in this stupid Garden - by the way, at least 75 now require therapy and of those 75, 30 _might_ quit the academy in protest within a month or so - and not a one did it!" Then a lightbulb came on over his head. Actually, it more like flickered on (the bulb's dying).

"I've got it! You and your little friends are the only ones I didn't ask so therefore one of you did it!"

"How are you goin' to get something from that?" Zell seethed. "You idiot!"

"Hey! Watch who you're calling an idiot, Chicken Wuss. Rajin, put him on _the list_!"

"Which one? You've got tons, ya know!"

"The list of stupid people to kill!"

"Got it!"

"And make sure you put a checkmark by it, he goes into the top 5."

"You can't accuse me of anything and I refuse to answer your questions, Seifer," Rinoa said firmly.

"Guys! Do this for Sephie!" Irvine pleaded. "She deserves some justice."

Everyone exchanged looks behind Irvine's back.

"Fine," Quistis spoke up. "We'll do it, regardless of that."

"Where were you on the night that the Cowboy Wannabe found the Hyper-girls' body?"

"It wasn't night," Squall answered.

Seifer's patience finally snapped. "JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!"

"Don't yell at me just because I corrected you!" Squall cleared his throat. "I was in my office when it happened. Irvine came in crying and hysterical.

"I didn't ask you all of that. I said, 'where were you' not 'what you were doing and who happened to come in'."

"Well you should have!"

The blond began to message his temples and speak in a voice filled with forced calm. "No further questions. Please get out of my sight before I have to hurt you."

Squall glared before he stood and went moved away to stand by Rinoa.

"Fuj, handle this one. I need some Advil."

"ZELL. TURN."

After Zell had came over, relieved it wasn't Seifer interrogating him, she continued.

"WHERE WHEN SELPHIE KILLED?"

"I was in the cafeteria trying to get in line early enough. I eat hotdogs for breakfast too you know."

"NOT NEED KNOW THAT. NEXT!"

Rajin took over for her. It was Quistis' turn.

"Hey! Look!" Zell suddenly shouted.

"Not now, ya know!"

"This is important. I really think everyone needs to see this."

Squall knew he wasn't going to stop whining until they did so everyone crowded around Zell's laptop his parents had bought him.

"I know who killed Selphie." Zell declared when he had their full attention.

"Who did? Was it Nida?" Rinoa asked.

Zell looked confused. "Why would it be? No. She did."

"What do ya mean?" Rajin asked.

"Raijin," Zell began patiently, as if speaking to a three year old, "No one killed Selphie. She killed herself."

Quistis gasped. "How did you find this out?!"

"Look, her death note is right here on her website and by the looks of it, she _wanted_ someone to stop her."

"No she didn't," Squall stated calmly.

"Why not?" Rinoa asked.

"She knows no one goes to her website!"

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	2. Whatever!

**Story 2: Whatever!**  
**Author**: Flarezero

Honestly. It was such a fine day outside. It was so sunny. Instead, they were stuck in a floating garden and listening to Balamb Garden's Headmaster, Cid Kramer, ramble on and on.

"Oh, Ciddy-poo," A woman purred, clinging on his arm. "Let's leave these students here and go to bed."

Oh, yeah, and Edea Kramer was being sickeningly loving to her husband. Well, this was just a usual day, wasn't it?

"I'll be with you in a minute," Cid smiled. "Please be patient, my lovely Edea."

"Oh, Cid..."

"Oh, Edea... and now I would like to instruct you about the different types of bee. The most common is the honeybee..."

"Excuse me, sir," Irvine Kinneas interrupted. "What do bees have to do with security and defense systems?"

Quistis Trepe promptly dug her elbow into his back and he winced. It was a well-known fact that Cid was well on the way to becoming senile, but nobody really wanted him to know this. Especially Edea. And nobody wanted to annoy Edea. Not after that stint where she wreaked ultimate evil... that whole possessed by Ultimecia deal? It was all a big joke. Everybody knew Edea was behind the whole thing all along.

"Ah, yes," Cid suddenly snapped out of his daze. "It is my pleasure to announce a tea party at Balamb at precisely two in the afternoon tomorrow."

"Will there be cake?" Zell Dincht asked excitedly. "I like cake."

"Whatever," Squall Leonhart suddenly spoke.

A collective gasp shuddered throughout the room.

Squall had said 'Whatever' during a lecture.

He was not supposed to say 'Whatever' during a lecture.

Selphie Tilmitt let out a shriek of horror.

Rinoa Heartilly giggled.

Angelo went woof.

And Squall was immediately whisked away out of the room by Quistis, Irvine, Selphie, Zell, Rinoa (and Angelo), leaving Cid and Edea to their own devices.

"Oh, Cid," Edea ran her hand inside Cid's jacket and it brushed against his wallet pocket. She grinned.

"Oh, Edea..." Cid beamed at her. "Is it lunchtime yet?"

Edea bristled slightly. They had had lunch two hours ago.

Meanwhile, outside, Squall was getting a telling off.

"How could you go and yawn like that?" Quistis demanded. "It was an important lecture..."

"It kind of became unimportant when he began talking about bumblebees," Irvine said quickly.

"And the cake!" Zell added, grinning like a loon.

"Cake? I LIKE CAKE!" Selphie shouted. "Are we going to go and eat cake?"

"Are you listening, Squall?" Quistis demanded.

"Whatever," Squall shrugged.

Quistis slapped him.

"Squally-poo!" Rinoa wailed. She hated to see her darling Squall get hurt.

"I've got an idea," Irvine pulled a jar out of nowhere. "Squall, this is your 'whatever' jar. Every time you say 'whatever' today, you need to put in a gil. When the jar's full of gil, hopefully it will encourage you to stop saying 'whatever'."

"Whatever," Squall shrugged again, pulling a coin out of his pocket and putting it into the jar.

"Do we keep the money?" Selphie asked anxiously. "We could use it to buy cake!"

"I want cake!" Zell exclaimed.

"CAKE!" Selphie and Zell shouted in unison.

"Just give me the stupid jar," Squall said, grabbing the jar and walking away, leaving the group alone.

"Did he just use six words in a sentence?" Rinoa frowned and tilted her head. "Wow!"

"Do we keep the jar?" Selphie asked again, looking irritated. "DO WE?"

"Stop shouting, Selphie!" Quistis ordered her.

"It's Squall's money," Irvine spoke.

Selphie sighed in disappointment.

Angelo assumed the begging position and burped the alphabet.

"Good boy, Angelo!" Rinoa squealed, tossing him a large doggy treat.

Quistis looked intently at Angelo. He looked a lot larger. "Um... Rinoa..."

"Huh?"

"I think you should stop giving him the treats."

"NO!" Rinoa kneeled and clamped her hands around Angelo's ears. "She was only joking, Angelo! Dogs can understand us, you know."

Quistis threw her hands up in frustration. Selphie and Zell ran away to eat cake. Irvine peeked into the lecture room and fainted. Rinoa started crying all over Angelo.

As for Squall...

"Hey, could I ask you a favor?"

"Whatever!"

"I'm suing you for nearly beheading my petunias when fighting those monsters yesterday!"

"Whatever!"

"CAKE! WE LIKE CAKE!"

"Whatever."

"SQUALL! WANT TO COME EAT CAKE?"

"Whatever."

"Chocolate or vanilla?"

"Whatever."

His jar was filling up fast. He didn't give a crap.

As far as Squall Leonhart was concerned, nothing mattered today.

Somebody had urinated all over his bed and egged his door.

"Whatever."

Somebody had drawn a moustache and blacked in some teeth on a photograph of Squall hanging on a wall.

"Whatever."

A couple guys standing nearby inferred that Rinoa was good in bed.

"Whatever."

Selphie came running, tripped and one of her cakes splattered on Squall's chest.

"Whatever."

Selphie cried.

"Whatever."

Zell got into a fight with Seifer Almasy.

"Whatever."

Quistis death glared at Squall.

"Whatever."

Squall was unaware that he had been walking around in circles all day. He was starting to tire so he went outside onto the garden terrace and sat down. Rinoa alighted by his side in seconds, smiling animatedly.

"Rinoa," Squall nodded briskly.

"Squally-poo," Rinoa beamed, sitting down on his lap. Her eyes were sparkling. "I have the greatest news ever."

"Huh?" Squall showed interest then.

"Guess!" Rinoa giggled, clasping her hands together.

"Selphie and Zell stopped being obsessed with cake?" Squall asked.

"No, silly!" Rinoa giggled again.

"Cid's not going senile?"

"Um... no," Rinoa shook her head.

"Okay, I give up," Squall looked up at her in defeat.

"Come on! Guess!"

"I give up!"

"Please!"

"Tell me."

"Oh..."

"Please?"

"Okay," Rinoa took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant!"

"Oh. Whatever," Squall looked away.

"..." Rinoa tensed as Squall dropped another coin in the jar. "Um, Squally-poo?"

"..." Squall looked back at her and realized he was supposed to show actual interest in this topic. Oh no, her eyes were filling with tears. He had to say something, and fast. "Um, who's the father?"

Rinoa's eyes widened.

Her jaw dropped.

Squall winced as she dropped to the ground with an almighty crash. He leaped to his feet and picked her up, placing her gently on the chair.

"Rinoa! Are you okay?" Squall asked anxiously.

"I'm fine," Rinoa grimaced. "Squall..."

Her face had changed.

Rinoa's eyes were glinting and her teeth were gritted.

Was this pregnancy thing?

Squall faintly remembered some sex lesson Quistis had given them, where it was explained that mood swings were a normal part of pregnancy. Rinoa was looking an awful lot like Quistis on what he had come to call 'a bad day'. The day where you listened to every word Quistis said. Where you did not ask if she got out the wrong side of bed.

Squall braced himself.

And it came.

"YOU MORON!" Rinoa screamed. "ARE YOU SO UTTERLY STUPID THAT YOU JUST CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT? HAS IT NOT OCCURRED TO YOU?! WERE YOU THE PRODUCT OF THE MATING OF A HUMAN AND A GUARDIAN FORCE?! IS YOUR GRANDFATHER ALSO YOUR GREAT UNCLE OR SOMETHING?! YOU ARE THE WORST KIND OF IDIOT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! YOU ARE A PATHETIC DISGRACE TO ALL HUMANKIND! ... ..."

She had stopped.

Squall tentatively opened his eyes. Rinoa was silent, breathing heavily and looking at him and... she was smiling.

"Squall, you're the father!" Rinoa squealed, leaping at him and wrapping her arms around his neck.

He was going to have to put up with these mood swings? Squall immediately wished he was falling off a cliff.

"How far along are you?" Squall asked.

"Four months!" Rinoa grinned. "Isn't it great? What should we call the baby? Maybe we could combine our names! What about Squinoa? Or Rinall?"

An hour later, Squall was wandering around the Garden feeling utterly confused and befuddled. Names were screaming through his head and it was all too much. Rinoa had gone on for ages listing all the names she could come up with.

Zell and Selphie were lying on benches moaning about headaches. Seemed like they had had too much sugar. Irvine was vomiting in a toilet and splashing his eyes with alcohol. Quistis was yelling at a trainee SEED and reducing her to tears.

A loud clanking sounded.

Squall looked up and blinked.

Laguna Loire was walking towards him, wearing a toaster on his head and a strange suit of armor. He also had a strange glowing sword in his hand.

"Squall," Laguna breathed heavily. "I am your father."

Great. He'd been at the drinks again. Laguna hiccupped and then fell over in a faint.

"Whatever," Squall dropped another coin in the jar.

A little pink bunny hopped up to Squall.

Squall froze in fear.

He was deathly scared of bunnies.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGH!" Squall screamed and ran... right out of a window. He grabbed onto the wall and screamed, while the jar fell into the bushes below.

"Sis... Ellone!" Squall screamed. "Hear me!"

Why had he said 'Hear me'? Things were just strange today.

Then Squall lost his grip and fell into the hedges. Fortunately, he was unharmed. Squall scrabbled around, picking up the jar and putting any fallen coins back in.

A shadow fell over him.

Squall looked up to see Ellone... with ugly buns in her hair.

"Hi, Squall!" Ellone waved. "I'm doing a panto in Balamb tomorrow! Do you like my costume?"

"... Just what's going on in Balamb?" Squall asked. The world drew in a collective gasp. Squall had not said whatever.

"It's a celebration," Ellone explained. "It's been a year since you saved the world from Edea... I mean, Ultimecia. And stuff."

Just then, Edea ran past, cackling and clutching a very fat wallet.

"A year?" Squall blinked. "Hey, let's see how much gil I've got in my jar!"

"Okay!" Ellone sat down next to him and they counted coins from the jar.

When they had finished, the total came up to 150 gil.

"So you said 'whatever' 150 times today?" Ellone raised an eyebrow. "... That's weird, Squall."

"150 gil?" Seifer appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the jar, cackling maniacally. "I will take over the world with this 150 gil!"

"Hey, Seifer," Squall looked at him stonily. "If you don't give back that jar right now, I'll tell everybody you boned Edea."

"It was Ultimecia!" Seifer screamed, dropping the jar. "Not Edea! Ultimecia!" He ran off crying.

"..." Ellone blinked. "..."

"..." Squall shrugged. "Whatever."

"CAKE!"

Selphie and Zell had woken up.

Irvine leaped off the roof and landed on his feet. He let out a stream of curse words.

Angelo waddled past, Rinoa pursing him.

Quistis came up and berated Squall for breaking a window.

Cid awoke and began gibbering about chimpanzees.

Edea screamed when she realized all Cid's credit cards had expired last month.

Ellone looked in a mirror and shrieked.

Laguna awoke and began fighting a potted plant.

And with a 'Whatever', it's all over!

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**Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	3. Attitude Adjustment

**Story 3: Attitude Adjustment**  
**Author**: Time Master

"You could try to look a little less grouchy," Rinoa told Squall quietly as the two of them waited for the elevator. "They're only trying to show you how much they appreciate you."

Squall glowered at the elevator doors, willing them to open. He knew, at least in his head, that most of the SeeDs and SeeD cadets and Garden staff going about their business around them weren't paying him any attention - that most of the looks sent their way were admiring ones for Rinoa, beautiful in a white dress that reminded him a little of the dance floor during the SeeD graduation ball and the concert in Fisherman's Horizon half a lifetime ago. It didn't help. He still felt conspicuous.

"I know you don't like being the center of attention," Rinoa went on when he didn't say anything. "But it's just your team - Quistis and Zell and Selphie and Irvine, plus Xu and Nida. It's not going to be some big deal. It's your birthday. If your friends want to celebrate the fact that you exist, that's a good thing, right?"

When the elevator doors slid open, he strode quickly inside. Rinoa followed, and pushed the button for the third floor while Squall leaned against the back of the elevator and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I know that," he said in a low voice as the doors slid shut again and the elevator started upwards. "I just don't really feel up to it right now."

"Hey," she said, smiling at him across the elevator, "at least give us the chance to lighten your mood. Everyone just wants to do something nice for you. It's just us - Selphie wanted to plan a big bash, but she knew you'd hate it."

She'd probably meant it to be reassuring. It wasn't. Squall lifted a hand to his face, pressing his fingers to the scar between his eyes.

"Sourpuss," Rinoa accused affectionately, and was about to say something else when the elevator lurched to an unexpected stop and the lights went out.

In the pitch-dark, her tiny, "...oops?" sounded very loud.

The emergency lights flickered on a moment later. In their dim illumination, Rinoa turned to prod the controls. "It's not responding."

Breath hissing through his teeth, Squall pushed away from the side of the elevator to check the panel himself, with no better results. "Great." Scowling, he turned to eye the maintenance hatch in the floor. "I guess we can climb down to the last floor."

"Not in this dress, I can't."

He paused, looking back towards Rinoa, and took a moment to consider the short, narrow skirt of her dress, trying to imagine what problem it might pose on the ladder down the elevator shaft. ...Oh. Feeling his face getting warm, he hastily banished the mental image. "...you'll have to wait here while I climb down. You should be fine until we can get it moving again."

Rinoa didn't answer him. When he looked back up to her face, he found her trying - and failing - to hide a smile behind her hand.

He could feel his face getting hotter. "...what?"

She gave up trying to hide it and just grinned at him. "Listen to you. A minute ago you were probably hoping a war would break out and give you an escape. You should be happy for the break."

"In case you hadn't noticed," Squall said dryly, "we're stuck in a stopped elevator. This is not a break."

"Why not? I think it's kind of cozy." At Squall's dubious look, Rinoa's smile only got brighter. Clasping her hands behind her back, she took a step away from him, and then another, circling aimlessly around the confines of the elevator. "Just the two of us, all by ourselves... no paperwork, no monsters, no curious cadets or well-meaning friends... no interruptions..."

Squall backed up against the wall beside the control panel to keep Rinoa in his line of sight. He wasn't sure where this mood of hers was coming from, but he was sure it was making him nervous. "Uh, Rinoa..."

"I'm sure someone will notice soon that the elevator stopped." She was wearing perfume, Squall realized as she circled back towards him with the slow, deliberate steps of a cat stalking a butterfly - a clean, sweet fragrance like flowers in a sunlit field. "But you know... it could be a while before they get it working again." He couldn't look away from her face, from the secretive way her eyes lidded until she was watching him through her lashes. "We might as well enjoy the time out."

He didn't trust himself to speak, so he didn't say anything, just pressed himself back against the smooth side of the elevator and tried to make his heart quit pounding against his breastbone as though he were in the middle of a battle - there were no enemies here, just Rinoa, and she was close enough to touch now so he flattened his hands against the wall to either side of him.

When she slid her arms around his neck, pressing up close against him and smiling up at him like she knew something he didn't, for a moment he forgot how to breathe.

Laughter quivered distractedly through her. "You're so cute when you're blushing like this."

He'd meant to push her away - he was sure he'd only reached for her to push her away - but when his hands closed around her waist they rested there lightly and he thought he could almost feel the warmth of her skin through the fabric of her dress and the worn leather of his gloves.

Looking very pleased with herself, Rinoa stood up on her toes until her face was only a few inches from his. "I bet I can put you in a better mood..."

_later..._

"I can't believe he ditched us," Quistis complained, giving the empty chair behind Squall's desk the stern look of a disappointed teacher.

From one of the seats in front of the desk, Xu watched her fret. "You don't know that he ditched us," she pointed out diplomatically.

"Oh, yes I do." Quistis' annoyed look turned towards her friend. "He was supposed to be here half an hour ago. If he were going to show up, he would have by now. Squall doesn't do fashionably late. He ditched us."

"Maybe something happened," Xu suggested.

Quistis blew out an exasperated breath. "He probably just decided he didn't feel like playing along and he's hiding in the training center or something." But the irritation in her expression was already shading into a frown of concern, and after only a moment she turned toward the door. "I'm going to go down and find him."

"I could call him on the intercom," Nida offered, as Xu got up from her seat.

"No thanks." Quistis shook her head. "We don't need the whole Garden knowing we've managed to misplace the commander."

With Xu behind her, Quistis stepped out of Squall's office and made her way to where Zell, Selphie and Irvine were clustered around the elevator, talking amongst themselves in conspiratorial murmurs and laughing behind their hands as though at some joke.

"Have you guys heard from Squall or Rinoa?" Quistis asked when they looked up, and was answered by a trio of headshakes, and a shrug from Zell.

"Not yet," he said, not seeming much bothered. "They're probably on their way up."

"Rinoa said she'd have him here by nineteen hundred." Quistis' tone was sharp enough to have Zell's eyebrows lifting. "I'm going down to find him."

"Aw," Irvine drawled, his back leaned casually against the elevator doors, "there's no need for that."

Selphie's head bobbed in cheerful agreement. "Yeah, they probably just got sidetracked."

"Squall doesn't get sidetracked," Quistis countered. "Would you please move so I can use the elevator?"

Nobody moved, and as Quistis looked from one bright, ingenuous smile to the next her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Okay," she said, in her best instructor voice, "who wants to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing!" Selphie protested, wide-eyed. "There's nothing going on."

"It's just maybe Squall and Rinoa shouldn't be disturbed right now, you know?" Irvine's voice carried a sly, knowing note that made Quistis glare at him.

"I don't know what you three think you're up to," she said crisply, "but I want you to move out of the way right now - before I have to make you."

It was either her authoritarian tone or the hand resting on the haft of her whip that convinced them to clear the way to the elevator. Irvine even had the grace to look a little cowed. But Quistis only got a few seconds to enjoy the feeling of satisfaction before she caught sight of the elevator call button's panel hanging by one screw, exposing a jumble of disordered wires. Her expression froze.

"Do I even _want_ to know what you were doing?" Xu wondered dryly.

It was Zell who spoke up, and for all the sheepish way his head ducked under the incredulous looks from both Quistis and Xu, he couldn't keep from sounding a little proud. "We just figured they might want some time alone. I mean, we all knew he was probably gonna be kinda cranky about this party thing, so..." he spread his hands, with a crooked grin. "We're just giving Rinoa a chance to loosen him up a little."

"Yeah." Irvine's drawl was downright smug. "It's sort of a birthday present."

Quistis rolled her eyes disgustedly. "Squall isn't _you_, Irvine. He's probably going to kick your asses when he finally gets up here." There was a pause before she had to ask: "How long have you had them stuck in there, anyhow?"

"Um..." Selphie scrunched up her nose in thought. "Since about nineteen hundred, I guess. That's when they were supposed to be coming up, and all."

Xu and Quistis exchanged a brief look.

"You three geniuses realize that you've had the main route between _every floor_ of Garden blocked for the past half hour, right?" said Xu.

Zell shrugged, still wearing that lopsided grin. "Hey, SeeDs are supposed to stay in shape. They can take the stairs."

"Fix it." Quistis' command came out through gritted teeth. "_Now._"

Zell's eyes widened, and he ducked hastily to attend to the panel. It took him less than a minute, and he'd just managed to get the cover back into place when the elevator dinged and the doors slid open to let the occupants out.

"Squall! Rinoa!" Selphie bounced enthusiastically on her toes. "Oh, wow, Rinoa, you look _great._"

"Thanks, Selphie." Rinoa's smile was the picture of innocence - only the demure way she lidded her eyes and the faintly self-satisfied curve of the corners of her mouth gave it away.

Squall, on the other hand, seemed altogether flustered, his face red with a flush that only brightened when Irvine drawled, "Geez, what kept you two? We were starting to think you weren't coming."

"Yeah, well-" Squall tripped a little over the words, raking his fingers distractedly back through his hair. "-the elevator got stuck between floors."

"Man, that's weird." The exuberance of Zell's voice had Quistis pressing a hand helplessly over her face. "We thought maybe Rinoa couldn't talk you into it."

"Uh," said Squall, and he looked vaguely alarmed for a moment before he tacked on a hasty, "Whatever." Behind his back, Irvine and Selphie traded a congratulatory low-five.

Xu cleared her throat, bringing Squall's eyes toward her before he had the chance to recover enough from his discomfiture to notice how subtle his friends weren't being. "Happy birthday, commander."

"Shut up," he said, but the absence of his usual brusque edge made him sound almost like he was in a good mood.

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**Please review and keep watch for the final chapter, as this fic is updated constantly!**


	4. A Question of Staplers

**Story 4: A Question of Staplers**  
**Author**: Aoi

**7am**  
Squall slipped into the double-wide closet he liked to call his office and set his half-empty mug of coffee down on his desk. Xu wouldn't be around to bother him for at least an hour. And that was enough time to get through half his inbox.

With Cid still off with Edea, rightfully so, Squall was still the commander. And everything else, paperwork included.

He noticed his phone blinking and picked up the receiver to dial his voicemail.

"Hey, Squall, uh... Nevermind, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Squall blinked. Irvine's voice. He'd seen Irvine the night before, and Irvine hadn't mentioned anything out of the ordinary.

He deleted the message and reached for the first pile of papers.

Three pages in, he realized he needed a stapler.

**8am**  
He'd just found the last inventory forms and order receipts when Xu arrived, looking curiously at the files scattered everywhere around the room.

"We should have twenty staplers," Squall stated.

Xu stared at him.

"I can order more," she replied after a moment. "Use a paperclip."

A paperclip was not the same.

**9am**  
The knock at the door startled him more than it should have, but Squall was fairly engrossed in reading a request packet from a town on the western continent that was having a problem with wild beasts. It sounded like an easy job, so obviously something was off about it. Reading between the lines wasn't helping, either. Maybe they were just a small town with a monster problem - the Lunar Cry hadn't done anyone a bit of good.

"Come in," Squall said quickly, bringing the papers down just enough that he could see over them.

He was a little surprised when Irvine walked in, obviously trying to smile.

"Hey," he said, tipping his hat and looking around. "I don't think I've ever really been in here. Why don't you use Cid's office?"

"Doesn't feel right," Squall admitted. And Cid didn't have a stapler, either.

"Ah," Irvine said. And paused.

The phone rang, and Squall picked it up without thinking. By the time he tried to signal to Irvine that the call would only take a minute, the sharpshooter was gone.

Squall wondered if Irvine was trying to tell him something.

**10am**  
"Sure," Quistis said as she leaned over her desk. She paused. "Or not."

"No?" Squall asked, peering over and hoping it didn't look like he was staring at her ass. He really wasn't, though he did still find her whip quite interesting.

"Ask if Selphie has one," Quistis commented as she stood and stretched. "It's not like someone is hoarding all the staplers in this place."

Squall passed Xu on his way to hunt down Selphie.

"Irvine was looking for you," she said, before holding out empty hands. "And Doc doesn't have a stapler, either."

**11am**  
"Hammer," Selphie ordered, balancing a board on her head and reaching down towards Squall. He gave her a hammer, quickly, and wondered just how long she'd been building scenery for the semester's play. Everything was gorgeous, so far. She certainly had a knack for organizing.

"Do you have a stapler that I could borrow?" Squall asked. "I'll bring it back."

Selphie quickly nailed the board in place and jumped down from the ladder, ignoring every bit of safety training that had been drilled into their heads.

"You came here just for a stapler?" she asked, snickering. "Sure you weren't just looking for Irvine? Y'know, he wanted to talk to you about something but apparently you're too busy."

"Just a stapler," Squall said with a sigh. "Somehow, all the ones in Garden seem to have vanished."

"Hmm..." Selphie bounded off, only to return a few minutes later.

"No?" Squall questioned. Her hands were empty.

"Would a nail-gun work?" she asked. "Things would never fall off your desk, either!"

**12pm**  
He made eye contact with Irvine the second he entered the cafeteria, and Irvine jumped up from his seat just in time to knock into a girl with an overly full glass of juice.

Squall frowned and headed off to change, ignoring the chorus of apologies echoing behind him.

**1pm**  
In a fresh uniform, Squall sat back down to try to work on the scheduling for the next month. That would be nicely distracting and would require no hard copies until later in the week. A completely stapler-free task.

**2pm**  
Squall realized he hated scheduling. Which was why he did it in little chunks, in-between paperwork.

**3pm**  
"Come in," Squall said quickly, closing the game of solitaire he was playing on his computer. Also a stapler-free task.

"Hey," Irvine said, slipping into the office and closing the door. "I wanted to talk to you about..."

He was promptly knocked over as the door was thrown open and three SeeD candidates came piling in.

"Commander!"

"He started it!"

"We need an unbiased verdict on this!"

By the time Squall had sent them packing, Irvine was gone, again.

**4pm**  
The only thing he could think to do was head to Balamb. The office-supply store was probably still open.

**5pm**  
Just as he reached the city limits, one of the Garden cars pulled up beside him with the windows down. Honestly, the only reason he'd walked was to save resources.

"Need a ride?" Irvine asked, unlocking the passenger door.

"Sure," Squall said as he reached for the handle. "What are you doing out here?"

"Xu sent me," Irvine admitted. "But only because she asked me to back you up on your super-important mission and besides, I wanted to talk to you. Or at you, whichever."

"Whatever," Squall replied. He thought it almost... funny. Irvine didn't laugh.

"So... what's so important, anyway?"

"Staplers," Squall said.

"Staplers?" Irvine accidentally shifted into neutral.

"It's like every single stapler at Garden vanished today," Squall explained. "And tomorrow, I might need one."

"Staplers..." Irvine echoed as he turned onto the first street.

"So, what did you want to ask me?"

Irvine opened his mouth but paused. "Eh, nevermind. After the staplers."

**6pm**  
Squall still didn't know what Irvine wanted and really didn't care because he wasn't sure if he was going to punish Irvine for taking a Garden vehicle just so they could park off at the edge of a field and make out like the teenagers that they were or if he was going to keep suggesting that Irvine go a little further.

Irvine's hands were on his belts, tugging to undo them and Squall couldn't help but smile as Irvine broke their kiss and slid down with only one quick enraptured look in-between.

"Didn't you have something to ask me?"

"After you come."

That seemed about as logical as an emergency stapler run, so Squall went with it.

**7pm**  
Watching Irvine stammer through dinner was almost fun, in the painfully awkward way. Whatever the subject was, obviously...

"Squall!"

"Commander!"

"Hey..."

Squall wondered when he stopped being able to think without getting interrupted.

**8pm**  
With the door locked and a chair shoved up under the knob, Squall stood facing Irvine, staring at him, and hoping he wouldn't freeze. It had taken, originally, a good week of similar sudden-stalling before Irvine had been able to mutter 'I want to suck your cock', so Squall was expecting something even more amusing.

"Bed?" Irvine suggested. "Handcuffs?"

**7am, Next Day**  
Squall had his coffee in one hand and a stapler in his other. He wondered what Irvine wanted, anyway. Because Irvine had tried to ask something at one point, but somewhere between the motions of their bodies, Squall had to admit to being a little too busy to pay attention.

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